Always look on the bright side of life (?!)

I hate having headaches that never goes away. My head is already so huge, now that it's pounding, it's even harder to hold it up! ;(

Anyways, I just feel I gotta say this.

I hate, repeat: HATE, being the last one in line. I miss those times when I actually meant something (though I never really did) but at least I was included in everything & if I was forgotten, a heartfelt apology will come flying my way. But not anymore. With me around, I just feel different/leftout/unimportant. I know I'm not exactly like you girls: Going tanning, playing ball & having different taste in clothes; I like being fair, dancing & dont wear the clothes yall do. A year ago, yall accepted me for who I am. I know compared to last year, I changed. Drastic or just being plain frantic, so did everyone else. I established my own character. I used to be the pushover, the one everyone didnt take seriously. More often than not, my words are never heard. But now that they are, people are starting to perceive me as someone who's just way over the top; not knowing my limits. That only developed cause I was so sick & tired of always being the last resort. It hurts, to just be in my shoes for an average 30 minutes during recess. Why doesnt anyone wanna hear what I have to say? Prolly cause before I can even open my mouth, attention is diverted away & I become acient history, instantly. Slowly, I shy away but never let my guard down. I told myself I can never be pushed aside again. Since I'm so unimportant & virtually nothing, I should at least stand up for myself & defend myself if anyone tries to scrutinise me again. The only thing I have is my voice. People feel very offended when I raise my voice & frankly speaking, it's because I just keep quiet & take it all in when people pass a remark that's ridiculous & hurtful. However, I just cant tolerate such things anymore. Everyone has the basic rights & freedom of speech. I didnt use to portray myself with my rights, but now that I do, I'm just being labelled "zero-moral". I miss those times with my girls. I dont know how to tell them how much they mean to me. & just as I wanted to, something breaks my faith & I lose it all again. I cant seem to keep my composure these days. & if this is fate, I'm never gonna resign to it. Although I've developed a fetish to raise my voice, I've also learnt to be extremely apologetic. Now, I love being the first one to say sorry, even if it doesnt reciprocate. Believe it or not, I'm trying very hard to learn to save all the rage to myself. I'm sorry if I've hurt any of yall & made yall think I'm a hopeless wreck.

I'm still Vanessaxo, I still adore cupcakes, I still possess that undying love for Hotpink & though I'm hardly ever a part of it anymore, I still call yall, Clique. & nothing less than that.

I know in 7 months time, it's inevitable for us to not be as tight as before. But I only wish that for this 7 more months we have, I'm still part of it.