I'm so angry/pissed/frustrated. But most importantly, I cant deny that I'm extremely sad. I thought out of what happened just now, I could be strong & just be angry, & that's it. But no, I'm fragile. & I realised. The strongest emotion that has gotten the better of me, is heartache.

Today, I set my alarm at 7am. Hoping to see a 'Goodmorning' message. See, I thought you'd reciprocate what I did the past 2 times when I had school but you didnt & would send me a message too. But then as I reached for my phone, I just stared. By 715, I saw no message. & I thought, "He must be doing some last-minute studying. This isnt a big deal anyway. I know he'll message me after his paper." My 2nd alarm rang at 9. I was so excited. I quickly reached for my phone. I saw no message & I dozed off again. at 945, there was still nothing. So I thought, "Maybe he planned to give me a call when he's home or something." By 1020, still nothing. So I decided to make the first move. To my surprise, you actually decided to go play ball. Okay, I was fine with that. But I'll admit I was a little puzzled that you didnt tell me earlier or sent me a message. Cause the night before, you told me to plan for today. & I did. But I guess, I shouldnt have. So from 9 till noon, I waited patiently for you to call/text me when you're done. 130, there still wasnt anything. Then I thought of what I've planned: He'd reach home by 1030 (supposedly), so I'll leave home at 11 & reach there at 1130. That wasnt going to happen anymore cause of your last minute plans. Which I was okay with. But you said you'd be home by 12. & it was already 130. Do you understand how I felt then? I had planned to reach at 1130 & study till 4 & head home. But how can I head home at 4, when it's past 130 & you're not even home yet?

The frustration & disappointment just accumulates. You finally texted me at 145. & I hurriedly got dressed & left for the bus stop. & everyone can vouch for me that the weather today is mercy-less. & I've to walk a 200m walkway under the hot sun, cross the overhead bridge before I could reach the bus stop. Halfway there, you text me saying "I was thinking if you wanna meet me tmr (instead)." I just stood there under the hot sun. I really didnt know what to do. I was disappointed x1000000000. & I really wanted to cry out my pain/anger. All the things I did, everything I planned, & all I've been patiently waiting for. It was just, gone.

So I called you. Yes, I sounded very irritated. But seriously. I was too _____________. I'm just lost for words.

Do you know how happy I was when you finally told me I could go over?
Do you know how happy I was to hear your voice, even though I was super annoyed having walked under the hot sun & then you told me you wanted me to go home?

I was just. I dont know. & when I asked you, "Then what do you think I should do now? I'm already at the bus stop." I thought you'd say "Then come lor." (in a very reluctant tone). But even that wasnt the case. You told me to go home instaed. I desperately asked you again if that was what you really wanted. & yup, you really wanted me to walk back home.

& I know you could tell I really had nothing left to say. & that's why I gave a very lame excuse to hang the phone saying "I'll message you when I reach home." & by now, you would already know that I'm already home but I didnt text you. I can apologise for this. But for eveything else, I just cant.

The melancholy is too overwhelming.

Board of Confessions:
I'm not that strong okay. I know you think I'm angry. But in actual fact, I'm just very very extremely ultra sad. & yes, I did tear when I typed this. & this post isnt out to make you feel guilty, cause I know you're not the sympathetic type. I just needed to get this out.

That's just how I feel.

I dont know whether you'll see this anytime soon. If you do, it's up to you if you wanna make the first move this time. Today was bizarre. Too much for someone like me to handle.

For the next approx 4 hours, I'm going awol. I need salvation of some sort. & for now, I can only seek that in studying for tomorrow's science mcq exams. So yah.

I shall be cut off from the world & all it's merry & evil for 4 whole hours.

Bye bye.